9.22.2003

It is hard to relay my thoughts, feelings, and opinions in something so profound, that not even I understand, so I will try and do the best that I can. There is really no tangible time line. I really can’t start at the beginning and finish at the end, because neither exist. I’ve heard that a good way to get started in something profound is to start with a quote. So, I choose a quote by my brother (obviously) from a project on ESnet. 

“Inspiration is what gives me motivation, it's the source of desire and love and wonder and optimism. Motivation without inspiration is work. An un-inspired project is doomed to mediocrity. Inspiration fuels passion. Inspiration is what keeps me from driving my head into a brick wall trying to find an answer to a complicated problem. Inspiration is vision. It connects me with a sense of a greater power and a greater humanity. I'm not all that interested in what motivated a painter to paint, an architect to build, or a writer to write. I'm interested in their inspiration, in taking part in their vision. To me, it all starts with inspiration.”

Early this summer I went out to Boston with a good friend of the family. Scott was moving out to Boston to spend a summer away from Nebraska. He was driving out, and I also wanted to be away from Nebraska, so alas, my ticket away. The plan was to drive out with Scott, and fly back a week later. The trip was fun, was able to see a tremendous amount of new things. I also was able to spend time with Jay, and sort of see what life was like for him in Boston. It was awesome, and one week later I returned back to good old Nebraska . I brought back with me a ton of memories, of which I will never forget. This was the last time that I saw my brother Jay. Maybe not the most ideal way to see someone last, but, no one plans for the unplanned. I was very fortunate that I was able to see him when I did. I was the last person in my family to do so.

I was back home, in sync with the more normal life style, a crappy job, hot weather, my bothersome nephews, you know, life was alright. In mid July, Andrew and I trekked down to Lincoln for a band camp. The next day was slightly less event-full. I got up at the ass crack of dawn, and drug my sorry self into the shower, which mind you, was very empty, because I slept in, while everyone else went to breakfast. I dressed myself in something that wouldn’t be too hot, and smothered myself in sunscreen. I ate my Wal-Mart doughnuts, and drank my cheap coffee, hoping to get rid of this exceptionally copious sleep depravation that I had. We eventually got to practice in Memorial Stadium, and as expected, it was hot and humid. After about a half hour of practicing, I see my brother Jeremy come onto the field. I get called over to talk to him. It was at that precise moment that my world got turned over like an etch-a-sketch and shaken violently. Any straight line thought, was now shaken away into nothing. No way could have this just been told to me. I had to of been dreaming. I say “what” and he goes onto explain that he missed work, which was odd, even for Jay. A friend went over to his house, and found him there. I just blankly stare back at Jeremy, not knowing what to think, or say, or do. My mind is racing to put this all together, but every time it tries to work, it doesn’t. I struggle to look, see, taste, hear, touch, and even walk. Everything is now a tearful blur. We walk off the field, and back to the dorms, where I have to frantically pack my shit up. I have no idea what is going on anymore, nothing makes sense, I don’t even have any emotion to show. Its not that I don’t care, don’t get me wrong there, I just have no idea whatsoever what to do. Its not like you plans for these things. I didn’t think out what would happen, and the set of drills I would perform in this sort of emergency. No one does that, no one plans for the unplanned, it’s almost considered grotesque to plan for the unplanned.

From what anyone can figure out, it was a natural death, no foul play involved. The other thing was that they didn’t know long he had been dead. He missed work on Friday, and missed a camping trip over the weekend, so, they are assuming that is was Thursday night. All this info was coming to me on the next Tuesday. I’m not sure what was worse, hearing the calamitous news, or having to talk to mom. She was an absolute wreck, along with dad, and the rest of the family. My oldest brother Larry, would be able to come back from Korea. My brother-in-law Tim would be able to come back from Korea as well. Both of them are serving in the Armed Forces. The rest of the day was a huge jumble of emotions. Oddly enough, emotional strain seems to wear you out more than physical strain. But, even with that, I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. The next morning I got out of bed around ten, ate breakfast, and set off to come back to Gordon.

The following week was overflowing with emotion. Everyone was hart broken. We hardly knew what to do with ourselves. The family was (what was left of it) was able to be together in this dire time. I know that it really helped mom and dad. My oldest brother Larry, would be able to come back from Korea. My brother-in-law, Tim would be able to come back from Korea as well. Both of them are serving in the Armed Forces.

I feel as though I am rambling, so I will skip a bit of my story to get to more of the conclusion-in-progress. Motivation is Inspiration. “…it's the source of desire and love and wonder and optimism.” Jay was a huge Inspiration on me. And, still is, maybe even more now, than he has ever been before, just in different ways. Just because his is physically gone, doesn’t mean that he is psychologically gone. He had a short time on this planet, but, I know that he lived life to its fullest. I don’t know whether or not he is somewhere ‘superior’ now, but I do know that part of him is with me. When I eat my breakfast cereal, when I go to school, when I mess things up, and when I get things right. Jay is part of that now, and he will never actually be lost.